If Love is not Enough Chapter 1

Attention!

I'm starting this back up and I did some changes recently, so I need a lot of feedback. All critiques are welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks,

~Angel

haha..angel

very funny.

mr. Gardner reminds me of our Social Studies teacher, the very handsome but married Mr. Reyes. Nice description for a teacher, though. **i just can't understand why they were SO IN LOVE with someone older than them..**

the first part was nice, but yes there were some corrections..but don't worry about that. just a few editions and everything will be fine again.

i'm looking forward for more.

god bless.

I really liked this one because it had a lot of detail of their surroundings and the charicteres. great job

Thanks Luccy. This critique was really helpful and I don't mind if you're nit-picky. It just gives me something to think about. I owe you some critiques now that you told me in which order the story is to be read. Thanks again!!

~Angie

Angel of Death wrote:If Love is not Enough
By Angel of Death

Chapter 1

October 3, 2007

Izzy stared at the front desk, her eyes mirroring the face of the librarian. I blushed the longer she stared at him. We had came [you need to choose either had come or just came] here to do a report on the Renaissance but all Izzy could probably think about was that Mr. Gardner looked like Michelangelo's David. She giggled incessantly when she turned her attention back to me.
"He is so hot," she said, for the umpteenth time.
"The word Renaissance comes from the Italian word Rinascimento which means..." I started, rolling my eyes.
"I mean have you looked at his eyes. They're the same color as the ocean.[replace with comma]" Izzy continued, ignoring the book in front of her. Slamming the giant encyclopedia shut, I stood up from my chair and walked away. I could hear the shuffling of papers and rushed footsteps behind me [?].
"Teresa!" she said, tugging on my arm.
Pulling away violently, I made my way towards the 'R' isle and placed the book in the first spot I saw. Izzy wouldn't budge when I turned to exit the row. She stood in front of me, her arms crossed across her chest.
"We're not finished. The report is due tomorrow, and I can't not do this. My mom won't let me go to Homecoming if I don't pass Mrs. Richards class. Please, Terry?" she begged, her eyes frowning.
"That was a double negative." I muttered.
"A double what-now?[you should end speech here, and have Izzy's facial expression described?] Look, Teresa, I can't help it if I notice how sexy Mr. Gardner is. It's a girl's job to notice...well some...I guess."
"You said can't not. That's like saying 'I can not not'[full-stop] Understand?" I asked, sighing.
A thoughtful look washed across her face and then she shrugged. We then turned to leave the isle and head back to our seats. Standing in front of our table was Mr. Gardner. He was peering down at my notes, his eyes consuming every word. Izzy nudged me playfully and winked, which made heat rise up my neck.
"Isabella. Teresa.[replace with comma]" he said, pushing up his glasses. He was the only guy I knew that could pull off silver wire rimmed glasses.[I think that you should replace this with a semi-colon, and link the two sentences together? What do you think?] They brought out the cerulean tint to his eyes that were actually green. His free hand ran through his glossy curly black hair. I caught a glimpse of the wedding band[what colour? - Yes, I'm that nit-picky ] on his ring finger. It shimmered in the lights above our heads. Married. Of course. Who wouldn't say yes to someone who was this gorgeous? He had tan skin and a chiseled face that looked like it would highlight every magazine. His smile was pearly white and [s]it[/s] sent shivers down my spine every time he showed [maybe you could replace that by flashed? What do you think ...] it to me. But it wasn't his looks that made him beautiful.[replace with semi-colon] anyone could resemble Greek gods[comma] but not everyone knew a great book. He read everything from Hemingway to Austen. Just recently I saw him walk out with A Farewell to Arms, one of my favorite books in his ___ hands [?]. [NP >>]I felt Izzy nudge me in my side and then that's when I noticed I was staring. Mr. Gardner was looking at me, his gaze full of concern. Taking a seat, I looked down at the table and counted the endless beats of my heart.
"As I was saying, this was amazing. I've never seen a report written with so much passion and sophistication. You must read a lot of great books.[replace with comma]" Mr. Gardner said, his words rolling off of his tongue like waves crashing against the shore[wow! great use of similie (: ].
"I guess," I replied[comma or full-stop] "Thanks."
"Who are your favorite authors?" he asked, kneeling beside me.
I looked up at Izzy, at a lost for words. It was odd that he was feeling so conversational today. We spoke but he never really went farther than 'What will you be checking out today?' or 'Will that be all?' and his voice was so casual. There was an accent buried in his words that sounded Australian. I never heard it before or perhaps I never paid much attention to notice. Izzy shrugged and looked at Mr. Gardner, motioning for me to say something.
"Umm...I like Jane Austen and Ernest Hemingway...mostly.[replace with comma]" I replied, glancing at him.
His eyes lit up and then he excused himself. We watched him walk away and then Izzy sat down, her eyes wide with excitement.
"That was weird," I said, exhaling.
"And hot.[replace with comma]" she added, giggling.
He came back with a clipboard in his hand. I stared at the papers that were on it, wondering at the signatures.
"I'm starting a book club. It's not big as you can see, but there are still people out there like us.[replace with comma]" he said, smiling.
I flushed at the word 'us.'[move full-stop to here] His accent made it sound thick and smoldering. When I met his eyes, they burned a hole right through me.
"Lovers of the classics, I should say. So, are you in?" he asked, pushing the clipboard towards me.
"We're both in.[replace with comma]" Izzy said, taking a pen out of her hair and signing both our names.
Anger surged through my veins[why? Expand on this], as I shot a glare at Izzy. She rolled her eyes and looked at Mr. Gardner, who was pulling out two sheets of paper.
"You need to get your parent's permission to. I don't think it's necessary but we must do this right.[replace with comma]" he said, handing us the paper.
"I'll get this signed right away.[replace with comma]" Izzy said, her eyes fluttering flirtatiously.
"Great. Teresa[comma] you okay?" he asked, looking at me.
Nodding, I folded the paper in half twice and put it in my pocket.
"We meet every Monday and Thursday. Hope to see you here tomorrow. Bye.[replace with comma]" Mr. Gardner said, walking away. When he was out of hearing distance, I muttered something unintelligible under my breath which made Izzy laugh.
"You act like this is so bad. I mean, you love to read."
"I don't like reading in groups. It takes away from the experience."
[I think that this should have an extra break, as it doesn't flow from the previous paragrpah(s) >>]We finished copying down notes and then gathered up our things and left. Izzy had a sheepish grin on her face, making my cheeks flush continuously. It was always like her to let her hormones govern her thoughts. She'd go out with any guy if they had "dreamy" eyes and a "charming" smile. Once, when Dillon Rappaport asked her out, she said yes and suggested that they should double date. Dillon is a jock and had many friends. His best friend was Randall Call, a conceited rich kid who could only make eye contact with your chest. It was the worst date I've ever [either : I've ever been on or I ever went on] went on. We went to go see some scary movie, and every time Izzy hid her eyes in Dillon's chest, Randall tried to pull me closer to him. He kept touching my legs and when he leaned in to kiss me, I threw my Pepsi at him and left. [Haha, very funny =P] Though Mr. Gardener wasn't a high school boy and this wasn't a date, I didn't have a good feeling about this book club. I couldn't form coherent sentences around him and even when I could, they were short and sounded stupid. [NP>>]Taking my car keys out of my pocket, I pushed the 'unlock' button and [s]then [/s]Izzy walked up to the passenger side and got in. I loved my car. It was a green sedan that my mother had bought me for my sixteenth birthday. At first I complained because it was used and all of the other kids at my school had shiny new cars. But as time progressed, I began to see that this car was my sanctuary. Izzy evaded this sanctuary. Ever since her mother took her [delete extra space] convertible away from her, [and here, again] Izzy made it her business to take advantage of my car. She'd suggest we'd go to the mall or to McDonald's. It all got on my nerves for a while but then I realized there was nothing I could do about it. I could never say no to my best friend. With our seatbelts on and the radio blasting some rap song, I started the car and drove out of the library's parking lot. [This is a very long paragraph, so try breaking it up a little?]
"I can't wait till the dance. We have to go shopping this weekend.[replace with comma]" Izzy said, tapping her thighs along with the beat.
"Who are you going with?" I asked, knowing that I was going to regret ever entering this conversation.
"Oh, I forgot! Brett Forester asked me today. He came up to me in gym and wanted to know if I already had a date." She looked like a disco ball, with her glimmering eyes and shiny smile Nice! (: ]. It was a shock that she'd let something like that slip from her mind. Usually, she would talk my ear off, until I got all the juicy details. There was a dramatic pause, and I knew that Izzy was only waiting for me to ask what she said.
"I said yes, of course. I mean, what kind of girl would I be to turn him down. Oh[comma] his eyes are so dreamy. They're like brown and green at the same time." I rolled my eyes, as she drowned into her parallel universe that consisted of nothing but boys, music, and boys. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to go on many dates and be asked out by popular guys. The boys at school connected to Izzy and girls like her, mainly because of their consistent bubbly attitude and flirtatious ways. When it came to me, they wouldn't even ask. I was deemed undatable after that horrible night with Randall Call. He told all of the guys that I was just a weird nerd who would be a waste of time. Going to this year's annual Halloween dance would be pointless. Especially since Izzy had her date. No one liked being a third wheel. I turned up Wood Street and watched as I passed all of the familiar houses. There was the red brick one with the giant oak tree out front. Several identical white houses lined the street before a field of green tainted my view. We were talking about our essay when I pulled up to Izzy's house. It was three [s]stories[/s] storeys high and was painted a bright yellow. Izzy's father was an architect and designed it to look like a castle of some sort. The peaks were green and the attic was connected to spiral staircases. I loved coming here after school, but being the person she was, Izzy always wanted to escape. [Again, this is a pretty long paragrpah, try breaking it up]
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm calling you tonight to make sure you got that permission slip signed. Bye." I nodded and watched as she climbed out of the car and slammed the door shut. When she was up the steps and into her house, I pulled off.


* I know undatable is not a word, but I really can't think over any other word. I think it's a pretty damn good word =D

Oops, I seem to have posted my review twice .. hmm .. I don't know how that happened lol d:

Thanks for PMing me and here I am for the promised review. However, I warn you now that this will be a long and detailed review as I'm trying to improve my critiquing and reviewing techniques, so I hope this helps

October 3, 2007

It's a girl's job to notice...well [I would put a comma here] some...I guess."

That's like saying 'I can not not' [full stop here] Understand

We then turned to leave the isle and head back to our seats. Standing in front of our table was Mr. Gardner

of a ring on his ring finger

with A Farewell to Arms [a comma here] one of

I felt Izzy nudge me in my side and then that's ...

Taking a seat, I looked down at the table. Counting the endless beats of my heart.

his words rolling off of his tongue [I would add an adverb here, or some kind of description to how the words rolled off of his tongue]

"That was weird," I said, exhaling. [Again, at the end here, it's like a description has been cut off, why did she exhale, was it with relief, etc ..]

I flushed at the word 'us.' [move the full stop to here]

I folded the paper in [s]have[/s] half twice and put it in my pocket.

Thanks for PMing me and here I am for the promised review. However, I warn you now that this will be a long and detailed review as I'm trying to improve my critiqiung and reviewing techniques, so I hope this helps

October 3, 2007

It's a girl's job to notice...well [I would put a comma here] some...I guess."

That's like saying 'I can not not' [full stop here] Understand

We then turned to leave the isle and head back to our seats. Standing in front of our table was Mr. Gardner

of a ring on his ring finger

with A Farewell to Arms [a comma here] one of

I felt Izzy nudge me in my side and then that's

Taking a seat, I looked down at the table. Counting the endless beats of my heart.

his words rolling off of his tongue [I would add an adverb here, or some kind of description to how the words rolled off of his tongue]

"That was weird," I said, exhaling. [Again, at the end here, it's like a description has been cut of, why did she exhale, was it with relief, etc ..]

I flushed at the word 'us.' [move the full stop to here]

I folded the paper in [s]have[/s] half twice and put it in my pocket.

Plot

Thanks for the review! Yeah I don't exactly know where that came from but I'm glad you liked it. I'll be sure to fix what you pointed out when I edit.

~Angel

Angel of Death wrote:If Love is not Enough
By Angel of Death

Chapter 1

October 3, 2007

Izzy stared at the front desk, her eyes mirroring the face of the librarian. I blushed the longer she stared at him. We had came here to do a report on the Renaissance but all Izzy could probably think about was that Mr. Gardner looked like Michelangelo's David. She giggled incessantly when she turned her attention back to me. Nice, hot for a teacher lol
"He is so hot," she said, for the umpteenth time.
"The word Renaissance comes from the Italian word Rinascimento which means..." I started, rolling my eyes.
"I mean have you looked at his eyes. They're the same color as the ocean." Izzy continued, ignoring the book in front of her. Slamming the giant encyclopedia shut, I stood up from my chair and walked away. I could hear the shuffling of papers and rushed footsteps.
"Teresa!" she said, tugging on my arm.
Pulling away violently, I made my way towards the R isle and placed the book in the first spot I saw. Izzy wouldn't budge when I turned to exit the row. She stood in front of me, her arms crossed across her chest.
"We're not finished. The report is due tomorrow, and I can't not do this. My mom won't let me go to Homecoming if I don't pass Mrs. Richards class. Please, Terry?" she begged, her eyes frowning.
"That was a double negative." I muttered.
"A double what-now? Look, Teresa, I can't help it if I notice how sexy Mr. Gardner is. It's a girl's job to notice...well some...I guess."
"You said can't not. That's like saying 'I can not not' Understand?" I asked, sighing.
A thoughtful look washed across her face and then she shrugged. We then turned to leave the isle and head back to our seats. Standing in front of our table was Mr. Gardner. He was peering down at my notes, his eyes consuming every word. Izzy nudged me playfully and winked, which made heat rise up my neck.
"Isabella. Teresa." he said, pushing up his glasses. He was the only guy I knew that could pull off silver wire rimmed glasses. They brought out the cerulean tint to his eyes that were actually green. His free hand ran through his glossy curly black hair. I caught a glimpse of a ring on his ring finger. It shimmered in the lights above our heads. Married. Of course. Who wouldn't say yes to someone who was this gorgeous? He had tan skin and a chiseled face that looked like it would highlight every magazine. His smile was pearly white and it sent shivers down my spine every time he showed it to me. But it wasn't his looks that made him beautiful. Anyone could resemble Greek gods but not everyone knew a great book. He read everything from Hemingway to Austen. Just recently I saw him walk out with A Farewell to Arms one of my favorite books. I felt Izzy nudge me in my side and then that's when I noticed I was staring. Mr. Gardner was looking at me, his gaze full of concern. Taking a seat, I looked down at the table. Counting the endless beats of my heart. I would try to connect this sentence with one of the other previous ones. It stands out too much alone.
"As I was saying, this was amazing. I've never seen a report written with so much passion and sophistication. You must read a lot of great books." Mr. Gardner said, his words rolling off of his tongue.
"I guess," I replied "Thanks."
"Who are your favorite authors?" he asked, kneeling beside me.
I looked up at Izzy, at a lost for words. It was odd that he was feeling so conversational today. We spoke but he never really went farther than 'What will you be checking out today?' or 'Will that be all?' And his voice was so casual. There was an accent buried in his words that sounded Australian. I never it heard before or perhaps I never paid much attention to notice. Izzy shrugged and looked at Mr. Gardner, motioning for me to say something.
"Umm...I like Jane Austen and Ernest Hemingway...mostly." I replied, glancing at him.
His eyes lit up and then he excused himself. We watched him walk away and then Izzy sat down, her eyes wide with excitement.
"That was weird," I said, exhaling.
"And hot." she added, giggling.
He came back with a clipboard in his hand. I stared at the papers that were on it, wondering at the signatures.
"I'm starting a book club. Its not big as you can see, but there are still people out there like us." he said, smiling.
I flushed at the word 'us.' His accent made it sound thick and smoldering. When I met his eyes, they burned a hole right through me.
"Lovers of the classics, I should say. So, are you in?" he asked, pushing the clipboard towards me.
"We're both in." Izzy said, taking a pen out of her hair and signing both our names.
Anger surged through my veins, as I shot a glare at Izzy. She rolled her eyes and looked at Mr. Gardner, who was pulling out two sheets of paper.
"You need to get your parents permission to. I don't think it's necessary but we must do this right." he said, handing us the paper.
"I'll get this signed right away." Izzy said, her eyes fluttering flirtatiously.
"Great. Teresa you okay?" he asked, looking at me.
Nodding, I folded the paper in [s]have[/s] half twice and put it in my pocket.
"We meet every Monday and Thursday. Hope to see you here tomorrow. Bye." Mr. Gardner said, walking away. When he was out of hearing distance, I muttered something unintelligible under my breath which made Izzy laugh. Eager to get out of there, I jotted down some notes and left, leaving Izzy to ogle at the librarian by herself.